For the past two years I have been taking a couple classes a semester to get ready to go to nursing school. I applied and was accepted to Pima's nursing and was planning on applying this march to NAU's program and start in August. I would get a bachelor degree as well as my RN through NAU.
Throughout this time I kept praying if this was the right thing for me to do because I know it would affect my family. I never really felt like I got an answer so I just kept going each semester. A couple weeks before this last fall semester ended I just was overwhelmed, frustrated, tired and just worn out. I started talking to some family and friends and wondering if this really was ok or if I needed to take a break. Thinking about it for a while brought me to some pretty scary conclusions : my girls were telling me that I didn't have time to even curl their hair anymore and I never made it to their classes to help out. I started to realize that I couldn't remember the last time I had done anything fun with the family without a rushed feeling because I had school work to do. Koston was being entertained by the TV everyday and Jared was coming home to a grumpy wife and chaotic house. And the scariest , I started to realize that I wasn't enjoying being a mom anymore. I wasn't happy and I was stressed and taking it out on my family. I was frustrated because I felt like I had been asking for so long and not receiving any answers to prayers. I was talking to my mom one day and telling her all of this and she said -" Do you hear what you are saying to me?" And in that moment I realized that I had been getting answers the whole time, i just was to stubborn to hear them. The uneasiness and frustration I had felt the past two years was my answer. The moment I entertained the thought about taking a break from school all the uncertainty and uneasiness left and was replaced by a feeling of calmness and peace. I realized that for me and my family, I needed to focus on being a mom. I needed to work on making our home a sanctuary where we can feel the spirit and be away from the worldliness. A place where we can feel loved and secure.
So, I didn't enroll in school this semester. Im not sure why it took me two years to understand or why I needed to stop going right as I got to the doors that I had been working so hard to get to, but I do know that I have such a short time with my kids that I don't want to miss any of it. Maybe the answer will change in a year or when Koston goes to school or maybe never. Every now and then I hear of a close friend applying for nursing school and a part of me longs to go back but then i remember the peace that i felt and try to remind myself that its just not the right time for me.
And I am at peace when i lay down with Koston and we read a book together and I listen to him breath as he falls asleep. And I am grateful I am able to be there to listen to Bailee as she comes home and tells me all the crazy junior high stories and when I watch her play in her basketball games. And I I am happy that I can volunteer in Lexi and Jadie's classrooms and do their hair in the mornings. And I am excited when I am able to help Raden with his scouts. And I am content when I can just be with Jared after the kids are in bed and tell each other about our days. I still am trying to figure out a way to enjoy laundry, not sure that will ever happen, and the seemingly mundane things moms do everyday get to me sometimes, but Im grateful for the moments I don't miss like the impromptu park trip yesterday. I picked up Jadie from school and had to wait an hour for Raden and Lexi in running club so we went to the park where Koston ran around and Jadie had fun practicing her mutton busting moves. Moments like these truly do make it all worth it.
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